I must start with sincere apologies for my absence and the lack of posts in 2024. I suffered a loss at the start of this year, which has made it hard for me to write. I had started writing this a month after the loss. Grief can be a funny and odd thing. I've had this ready to post for months. But for some reason, in my head, I associated finally posting this as forever closing the door on my fond memories. It's funny how grief can manifest. I knew I would have to take some time off, and I knew that when I returned, the first post had to be this one. But one thing to easily overlook is that grief is not rational, but we will get to that in a bit. I will not be offended if you choose not to read this. However, if you have a friend or family member who has a pet, this post may be of future benefit to understand some of the ways that grief for a pet can manifest.
Let's go 🫥
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I apologize for not writing any reviews and want to give you the heads-up that this is not a review. I have been a father for almost 19 years. Well, let me clarify that. I've been a fur-father for nearly 19 years. I recently had to say goodbye to my fur-son, Jasper…..and as you can see from the pictures, he is a cat, a gift I got for my wife. He was my boy, my son, and a part of my family, and I loved him dearly. I'm not writing this for sympathy but as part of my grieving process. My way to capture my memories and address my feelings/thoughts.
What were some of those odd feelings? Well, within my grief, I felt a bit of shame for how sad I was feeling. How do I explain to others why I seem glum and so melancholy? How do I explain that my sadness is due to the passing of a cat? That then got me wondering how many other pet owners feel this when they try to return to a world that now feels less sunny. My first stupid mistake was to believe it was only "an animal." Yes, I was hurt, but I'd be okay with returning to work. After all, it wasn't like a human had passed; it was just a cat. And with this monumentally naive and stupid misconception, I convinced myself that I would be okay with returning to work THE VERY NEXT DAY! Remember that I work away from home for two weeks at a time. In retrospect, I know that I was NOT fit-for-duty. But at the time of this stupid decision, underlying it was the self-imposed shame of admitting that my world was changed by a cat no longer being in it. If I could, I would love to give myself an open-hand slap, hoping that would bring me some sense.
Why did I not want to have to explain that I'm sad and grieving the loss of a cat? I justified it by not wanting to receive that odd expression from someone that reads, "Wait a sec, you're sad that a cat died?" Many other people have had odd looks of "oh really" when I tell them that Jasper has a Facebook account. A Facebook account that, in 24 hours, amassed over 1500 friends! Three times more than my friend count on Facebook. These were not just of other cats and dogs but also horses, rabbits, parrots, ferrets, etc. That eye roll when I show them a picture of Jasper dressed up in a costume or when he looks ever so handsome in a cat-sized necktie. That look of disbelief at my family Christmas photo of Jasper, my wife, and myself, with Jasper wearing a Christmas sweater. Some people, those without pets, find it weird to humanize an animal like that. And in my current grief, I didn't want to have to face that.
To me, Jasper was so much more than just a cat. As I said earlier, he is family. I remember choosing him from the litter - Jasper was the runt of his litter and had a giant white spot on his back. When I picked him up for the first time, he was so chill in my hands and showed me a lot of trust. The night I brought him home, I arrived late after work because I had to pick him up and travel through Edmonton by bus. My wife, girlfriend at the time, was so upset, angry, worried and wondering where the heck I'd been. And then Jasper saves my ass by poking his head out of my jacket (I was carrying him inside it at my chest). At that moment, my wife melted and forgot all about her anger. As a kitten, he loved playing under the sheets in our bed; for his entire life, he claimed our bed as his. As he grew up, my wife and I picked him up and held him so much that as he got older, he always got into a particular position for being picked up whenever we bent over.
In the mornings, when I got up to get ready for work, he would follow me around and chill in the bathroom with me as I shaved, brushed my teeth, and started getting ready for work. Just find a comfy spot on the floor and lie down. Whenever my wife got up before me and didn't put food in his dish, he would rat her out to me when I got up. Any cat owner will learn to discern and understand their cat's meows. Now, he wasn't one who would scarf down food as soon as it hit his bowl. He was a grazer and would make that bowl last the day. But heaven forbid we forget to top it up in the morning. As he got older, he would give us this same grief whenever he ate from the center of his dish and would expose the bottom of the bowl in the center. His dish was considered empty when this occurred, and he'd let us know. But a shake of the bowl and redistribution of his dry food would satisfy his belief that we just refilled it.
He hated having closed doors at home. We were prohibited from having doors closed, or he would scratch and meow. He had to have full access to every room. I realize I will have to break the habit of keeping a slipper in the door frame of the main bedroom. This was because he could accidentally close it while playing near it. If there was ever a guest sleeping in the spare bedroom and they closed the door, we'd hear about how he relentlessly scratched at it throughout the night from our guest. He was such a chill cat that appreciated the home we created and included him in that he would never dart out if the front door were open. Heck, it could be open for five minutes before he even starts to creep out slowly.
Jasper had two favourite stuffed animals. A little bear we called Rupert, and a little monkey we called Elvis. How do I know they were his best friends? Because he talked to them. With us, he would meow and purr. His meows sounded like a combination of purring and meowing with Elvis and Rupert but with varying intonations, like when humans have a conversation. The first time I ever heard him make this noise, I was worried that something was wrong and rushed over to him. I charged around the corner to where he was, and there he'd be with Elvis or Rupert in his mouth - ya, he'd make this noise WITH Rupert or Elvis in his mouth! Jasper would then drop his buddy and look up at me with a look of "Whatcha lookin' for, Dad?"
When it came to playing, he did that differently for my wife and me. With me, he honed his reflexes, and we played rough. My arm always got scratched up during it, but he didn't draw blood and never bit hard enough to break the skin - just hard enough to declare victory over Dad. With my wife, he was more gentle. But towards the tail end of my two weeks away, my wife could see he wanted Dad home to play rough with. He would go to bite her hand when playing, forgetting it wasn't me, and the loud exclamation from my wife would make him freeze, and then he'd look sorry for doing that to Mom. Yup, that's right, Mom gets the sad face, and Dad gets the I won face. With our playing, I got him so quick that I'd have to warn people who tried to play with him of how quick he was.
What warms my heart the most is our extra bonding when we all moved to Kelowna. I moved out first with Jasper before my wife, and all our furniture and stuff followed after. It was only him and me in an empty apartment for at least two weeks. Brand new city, brand new job, don't know anyone. It was just me and Jasper. And having him there with me made those early days in Kelowna survivable. Just father and son. In this apartment in Kelowna, we learned that Jasper LOVES laying in the sun on the balcony. We then discovered he was not a hunter because a bird outside bullied him. It would swoop past the balcony whenever Jasper was chilling in the sun, causing Jasper to run back into the apartment: Aw, my little scardy-cat.
His love of the sunny balcony carried over to our first house, which had a deck. That first summer, we learned that the patio door had to stay open as soon as we got up to allow him access to the deck whenever he wanted to - remember that there was a no closed-door policy. He could spend hours out there chilling in the sun, moving to the shade, and then back to the sun. Whenever the summer days got super hot, he would take a break indoors to come back out later after a little AC cat nap. When summer was over, and the weather got cold, he would still go straight to the patio door in the morning, demanding the door be open. We would have to let him out to realize it's cold outside and summer is over. Now, keep in mind that Jasper is an indoor cat. Whenever he was on the deck, he never left the deck. We blocked off the stairs, leaving the deck only because he would eventually get curious and slowly make his way down. But one call of his name would have him running back up
Jasper had a long life at almost 19 years. During that time, he lived in Edmonton, Banff, and Kelowna. He flew on a plane. He loved olive juice and yogurt. And would sit behind me in the kitchen while I’m preparing dinner. The arm-rest on the couch was his spot to sit and lay down on, remote be damned to take his place. He even claimed one of our couches as his own. Even to the point of bullying my niece's boyfriend whenever he came over and sat on it (Jasper would harmlessly hiss at him).
What I will miss the most is getting greeted by him at the front door. Almost like a dog, Jasper would stroll out and stand at the top of the stairs. He'd meow back when I'd say hello. But wait for me to come up and pet him or pick him up. I will miss the picture my wife always sends me after dropping me off at the airport and returning home. Jasper sprawls out on my side of the bed, reclaiming it. I'm going to miss how much he loved how I scratched his head and would sidle up to me on the couch while watching TV, nudging me for that scratch. I will miss having those mornings in the summer enjoying my espresso on the deck with him right there with me. What makes me so sad and hurts the most is knowing I will miss his presence. He was so much more than just a cat. He was my boy, my son. He is the goodest boy I could ever have asked for. He was never just a cat to me.
Going home was tough after that first two weeks away at work; everything I said I would miss came flooding back. There were moments watching TV when I'd find myself looking over to where his water dish was, hoping to see him. Times when I'd enter the bedroom only to remember I was no longer going to find him on the bed. Thankfully, I purchased a smart frame for my wife and me to upload every picture of Jasper. It also has a motion sensor to activate it to scroll through photos. How it can randomly go off is perfect, as Jasper would randomly stroll around the house and just appear - this frame perfectly duplicated that.
To anyone who doesn't have a pet and your friend is sad that theirs is gone, give them the same level of care and condolence as though they had lost a family member. That is how it feels to them. And to any fur-parents reading this, you are entirely entitled to your grief and should make sure to give yourself time to grieve. You are not mourning the loss of a pet. You are grieving the loss of a family member and the loss of the presence of that family member. And that loss is felt more potent the longer they have that presence in your life.
I will point out one thing: I am glad I came across this information. Many would opt not to be in the room when they have to put down their pet family member. Having to watch them pass is viewed as too painful. However, it's at these last minutes that they will need you the most. As their parent, you have also been a presence in their life as much as they have been in yours. They won't fully understand what is going on, and much the same way that you derive comfort from having them nearby when you are going through something, it's the same for them. Don't let them pass on questioning where you are when they need you. The pain of watching them go will pass and fade - but I will warn you that it is gut-wrenching to go through. But the regret of letting them down when they needed you the most won't dissipate with time. As devastating as it was to know the exact moment he was gone, I'm comforted by my knowledge that Jasper knew Dad was close by. With my hand on his side I felt his last heartbeat and last breath. This was when my grief, knowing this moment was coming, became fully realized. My final recommendation is to take some time in the next few days to allow your grieving cycle to engage fully. They may have been a pet, but your grief is that of a lost family member. Just allow yourself that time.
Thank you, Jasper, for enriching my life, and I hope you enjoyed the life we gave you. I will love you forever and will miss you always.
-BC Wine Nerd 💔
PS - Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'll be returning to my reviews next week. I just needed to take this time off to respect my little boy. Putting this out into the world has been my biggest hurdle
PPS - I came across the following businesses. What they will do is recreate your beloved pet as a stuffed animal. You send them pictures of your pet and they will handcraft a recreation from the picturte you provide. In my searching I narrowed my personal choices to these two. I don’t recieve any comission from either business. This is my personal choice to remember Jasper would be either one of these. Pricing ranges from $250-$500
Cuddle Clones - www.cuddleclones.com
Petsies - www.mypetsie.com
I also really like this business that makes a personalized pet head figurine. They custom mold a figurine of your pets head in a memorial fit for your beloved pet. They have other options as well - keychain, necklace, 3D photo cyrstal…..
Pet Pals DIY - www.petpalsdiy.com
PPPS - I swear I'll be back to my reviews next week. I've got a couple of wineries I've visited and some restaurants to share the experience of their businesses.
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